YOU CAN'T SIT THERE! POT MEN FOR POT HOLES.
(Thursday 18th of May, 1978)
In an official statement following a failed appeal for additional funding in next year's budget, transport minister, Dafydd Jones, has requested all members of the public who are friendly or familiar with any particularly precocious plant pot men please alert them to the government's new road repair scheme.
The MP for Devonshire West has posited that the secret to our nation's crumbling road network could have been sitting under our noses the entire time, suggesting that plant pot men - a common sight in any British garden - could be persuaded to help carry out road repair. And no, this isn't a case of letting them set up their homes on our carriageways instead of our conservatories, the conservative minister instead believes that these mudwalkers could in fact be a much-needed source of manpower. This has caused somewhat of an outcry among his peers, with Liberal MP Catherine Williams stating, "Near a hundred years ago another gentleman believed something similar, claiming that these mudwalkers had a certain 'incredible civility'. And yet, when he carted them to this island, he brought naught but garden squatters."
Labour MP for East Lincolnshire, William Mebrotherson, has also condemned the proposition, telling reporters, "I've never in my whole life seen such a ruddy great terrible plan as that to strip jobs from out our councils. I've got some good mates, me, who work on them roads, and they won't want no grubby dirt-hands lifting a shovel beside him [sic]". He later issued a statement apologising for the use of the words "grubby dirt-hands".
Despite the clear opposition from his opponents, the Ministry of Transport has confirmed that they intend to proceed with the plan, and again requested all members of the public to please notify any Robertson's mudwalkers in their local area who might be capable of carrying out road maintenance.
Several councils across the country have spoken out in favour of the plan, with Sheriff of Nottingham, Kelly Magdendale, stating, "We've been working with plant pot men for years, and employ several who are willing and able to do roadworks". And it's true, record numbers of councils across the country have rolled out schemes to integrate the more prudent plant pot men in their constituencies, with varying results. A trial scheme rolled out in Hull and Humberside to mixed success, with locals claiming that the litter got worse once the plant pot men were out picking, as locals would over-supply them with rubbish to make sure they got a decent wage.
Dinky Dave (Buchaness, 1973)
Similarly, a scheme in Peterhead was cut short when a plant pot man that locals had taken to calling "Dinky Dave", was dragged out to sea after attempting to responsibly dispose of a trawling net weighing nearly 4,000 lbs without any assistance. Dave, who was only reported missing at 3pm after failing to return to the depot with any litter, was found by emergency services and confirmed to have sadly passed away. Dinky Dave had been employed by Banff and Buchan district council for nearly 15 years as a litter picker and grounds maintenance assistant, however he had only been permitted to carry out work on his own following last year's reforms to Plant Pot Men employment regulations. Locals, who had helped drive the campaign for this reform, are beginning to question if they did the right thing for Dinky Dave. Local Mhari Douncey, 54 says, "We need to keep an eye on the bright ones, they're not bright enough to keep an eye on themselves." When asked about Dinky Dave she said, "Poor wee Davie, he was always out working. I've got one of his bairns on my patio, but he's not as bright."
It's clear that there is no answer yet on where the plant pot men's place is in our community, but whether they're potting, picking, or paving - plant pot men are parliament's pet project.